Thoughts On An Awesome Day...

Today was a really awesome day. Woke up feeling spritely after a Great night of sleep and cuddling, Perfect weather, coffee date with a friend, light work-out, awesome lunch and bike ride to the beac, sat outside and read my book, caught the last part of my favorite movie and the day isn't even over..... I'm not sure how we seem to get so caught up in stress. It's far too easy and it pisses me off that I just can't seem to shake a bad mood as easy as I use to. Days like these are what get us through our self-placed stress. I feel like I have been incredibly un-motivated and un-inspired lately. I guess I could blame it on the past few months of dreary Florida winter weather, but I know it was there long before. Sometimes you just have to get your ass up and do something that you *know* you will enjoy doing. I always find myself asking the same question: Since when do we prioritize work and stress above simple pleasures and a relaxed lifestyle? (I wish I had a better way of wording that) I'm slowly learning that there are certain things you just have. to. let. go. (Easier said than done. ) Im trying to step outside of my own head when I find myself getting worked up over something small.


I follow Yoga Girl on Instagram and I can honestly say that it's some of the most inspirational writing... without being cheap and preachy. I feel like I actually *learn* something when I read her posts. A few days ago, she talked about how we should learn, most importantly, to forgive ourselves for everything in our lives. Mistakes are going to happen, pain is going to happen and sadness is going to happen, but that's a sign that we should be seeking a different path. She worded it in a much more elegant way, but the idea of self-forgiveness was, sadly, so foreign to me.

Another thing she said was that we owe it to ourselves to fully immerse our life in our passions and to take pride in the things we are good at. That's actually the second time someone has said that to me this week, finally it is starting to resonate.

By no means do I have a handle on life just because of one good day, but it sure helps me see the light at the end of an otherwise dark tunnel. Shit gets real in the blink of an eye and I'm working on letting that go too....

Dreaming....

Oh man, last nights dream was too much to not write about. I have always had extremely vivid dreams, but every once in a while, they really amaze me.

This looks similar to the waterway that we were on.
Minus the flowers

The dream starts with my sister, Dakota and I sailing really close to the shore line. Our boats look like they are Yaughts. They are white with light blue stripes on all the seats. It looks like we are at the base of a mountain, not sure where though. A storm is coming, so we dock our boats and start climbing into the trees. We find this treehouse sort of thing, and there is a guy there, not sure who he is, but he lost his boat in the storm so I gave him my sleeping bag, and snuggled up with Dakota, who made this huge comfy pallet with tons of pillows and blankets. 
The next thing I remember, Dakota and I are running out of the trees and find out that her boat is a lot smaller now, like a little submarine capsule thing. It's a burnt orange color and it might be made of wood, with one circle window at the top. We get into the water and head down this little bend that takes us to a grassy lot right in front of the complex that our parents live in. 

At this point, I am in the drivers seat of my car, my mom is in the passenger seat and we are trying to make a right turn out of the complex when we see a medium sized U-Haul slam on it's breaks really fast and completely flip. I run out and open the drivers door, move a bunch of debris and find a little child, about 3 years old. I immediately pick them up and lay them on the grass. My mom is on the passenger side and she passes me the two children that she found and we call 911. Then we open the back of the U-Haul and find three or four teenage kids partying... I yell at them and tell them that the little kids are seriously injured

and that we called 911 and they need to call their parents.

This is a much prettier aerial view similar to my dream
I would love this as artwork in my house!

Next scene, I am running from a few people, Dakota and I jump in our little capsule things and head across the water to the other side. I remember looking back that the people chasing us, they were in a boat now, and I visualized the boat turning in the opposite direction to detour them and give us more time to run. When we get to the shore, we run into the woods and hide. We end up meeting three people that live there. They help us get food and water, I feel as though they don't speak English well. Then my boyfriend Matt appears and we find out that during our travels, we ended up in Conneticut. The last part that I remember, I was DREADING driving all the way back home and we totally dumbfounded that we were so far from home. 

. 

I'm not sure when I first started having these intense dreams. I dream about water all the time and I usually dream about the same few watery worlds. My favorites are the ones where I skydive into a bay that resembles San Francisco or the ones where I swim underwater and everything looks so clear and beautiful. I also fly a lot, free and effortlessly. I feel very lucky to have such a great grasp on my dreams, and even when they are scary and intense, I love how much of them I retain in my memory.

Pad Thai For Life!

Click the picture to go to the original recipe.

So, who doesn't just LOVE Pad Thai? Its always great, even left over and I cannot get enough of the peanuts that are always on top... such a great texture with the noodles. Well, I found (and tweaked) a great recipe and I cannot rest until I share it. I added different things and, as always, doubled the amount of sauce. (Because I am a self-proclaimed condiment whore.)

Pad Thai

1 package of rice noodles (I found mine at Publix)

3 eggs, lightly scrambled

2 stalks of green onions, chopped

2 cloves of garlic, finely chopped

6 tbsp soy sauce

3 tbsp brown sugar

2 tbsp lime juice

1 tbsp hoisin sauce (can be substituted for so many other sweet asain sauces)

Chopped peanuts (at least 1/4c. but I added more because they are my favorite part)

Fresh cilantro, chopped

1.) Soak noodles in water for 10-15 min or until slightly aldente

2.) In a bowl, mix sou sauce, brown sugar, lime juice and hoisin sauce, set aside.

3.) In a non-stick skillet, heat 3 tbsp of olive oil and scramble 3 eggs with the garlic and green onions. (I like my eggs scrambled well in this dish.) Remove eggs and set aside.

4.) In skillet, add 1 tbsp of olive oil and add the noodles and sauce. Sautee for a few minutes, then add the egg mixture.

5.) Top with fresh cilantro and chopped peanuts.

6.) Chow down. 

I am not saying it's the traditional way to make it, but it was so damn good.

I served it with a cucumber salad and homemade eggsrolls. I will share both of those recipes if anyone is interested.  

Let It Go

I think one of the most important things about life is to make sure that stress doesn't harden you as you get older. It is easier said than done to free yourself from the unnecessary.

I feel like over the years, I have accumulated entirely too much stress in the form of hate and insecurities and confusion and resentment and jealousy and absolute fear. I'm not even sure which one has taken the lead at this point and I'll be honest... I don't think I have ever given a second thought that any of those things have weighed so heavily on me. I am always stressed out and I am so tired of feeling so wound up.

I think my ultimate mission for this year is to learn to let it go.

Stress: fuck it.
Hate: life is far too short.
Insecurities: why?
Confusion: reassess and start over.

Resentment: no one is working against me.

Jealousy: this is the worst shade of green.

Fear: breathe in, breathe out and dive right in to find the source.

I feel like I am slowly being crushed by all of the negativity in my life. By no means do I have a bad life. I really don't and that is NOT my point in all of this. I am simply saying that the content inside my head and the tricks my mind plays on me are absolutely toxic. 

As I get older, I always wonder if there is something I am missing? I feel like the past few years have flown by and have also contained some of the biggest changes for me. Now I am sitting here wondering since when did I allow myself to prioritize stress over happiness? I have some major work to do. Or undo.

Dear Diary

Looking back, my 9th birthday was one of the most important times in my entire life.

~I learned how to cook

~I got my first chores

~I got my first deck of tarot cards

~I learned that my mom was pregnant with my little brother

~And I got my first journal.

I truly believe this was the year that I started living.

 I remember my mom asking me what I wanted for my birthday and I told her I wanted to learn how to cook, that I wanted chores (ha!!) and that I wanted to start a hobby. Thanks to my grandfathers farm, we had TONS of fresh okra so she taught me how to make fried okra as well as grilled cheese. AWESOME!! I learned that hot oil and water do NOT mix, you don't cook everything on the highest setting and that taste testing everything was one of the perks of cooking!

Then, I got to start my first chores: cleaning the kitchen and doing dishes. Now I look back with a laugh because my mom is the QUEEN of neurotic cleaning. I learned all the nooks and crannies that were often over looked and thus began an ever long list of things that needed to be cleaned on a daily basis. Although my mom was overly OCD about cleaning the house, I love that she instilled such a strong cleaning ethic in us and, to this day, dirty dishes are my BIGGEST pet peeve. (And I currently live with my boyfriend and 3 male roommates- fml! lol)  

On my 9th birthday, I also learned that my mom was pregnant with my little brother, who is currently 18 and such a badass. Since I was 9 years older than him, I have truly seen him grow up. Once he was born, I had A LOT of responsibility with helping my mom with Adam. I was my moms built-in babysitter for him and my sisters, Sahra and Dakota, who also helped out a lot because we were all the same age. Being the oldest, I often had the brunt of the responsibility which has contributed to my current decision to not have kids as I feel that I already sort-of raised a few.  The four of us are extremely close to this day and I love that. 

 I also recieved some birthday money and my mom suggested that I use it to start my hobby. She told me that when she was my age, she started a journal and since I wanted to be JUST LIKE my mom, that's exactly what I did. 

Later that day, we went to K-Mart and as I browsed the journals, I spotted a small, burgundy   leather book with gold leaf pages, a small gold lock with a set of matching keys and two of the single most powerful words etched in gold on the front: Dear Diary.

That night, I put on my Mariah Carrey tape, sat on my bed and opened my little diary. I remember this incredibly overwhelming and intense feeling as I was to begin writing. I feel like I have used that feeling to gauge a lot of my emotions throughout life.  I am a pretty energetic person and I tend to absorb things in a fully dramatic way, so this feeling is something I am lucky enough to still experience when the time is right. It lets me know that I still have that passion and sense of wonder that I did almost 20 years ago. 

Now don't get wrong, I was NOT writing anything on a genius level. I wrote about N*Sync and Mariah Carrey and I wrote about my siblings and about my mom and dad and all of our pets. The thing that really got me excited was that I could write about ANYTHING I wanted to and when I read it back, I felt like I was actually talking to someone.  My little Diary was my best friend.  

That year, my Grandma also gave me a deck of tarot cards. It was a beautiful Aquarian deck, very worn and absolutely perfect. Since my parents were definitely NOT into that, it was given to me privately and I used my diary to take notes about my readings and draw my favorite cards. It was my first sense of the power that what I wrote was tucked away safely behind the little lock on the front of the Diary. Little did I know how flimsy that lock was...

Growing up, my little Diary (and the things I wrote in it) evolved into something that I used to effectively help me deal with life and all of its lovely little surprises. In middle school and high school I let my very best friends browse through the pages, sometimes to my demise. But I remember always remaining very candid with what I wrote and how I wrote. During high school, I had a semi-private blog on LiveJournal and my Diary was turning more into an artistic book of silly-ness and still very much a part of my life. Regardless of how much I posted online, nothing would ever be as satisfying as the feeling of physically writing something down. Ever. 

The first time someone ever breeched the lock of my journal, I felt like I had been betrayed on a level no one should ever experience, although we all do in same way or another. Growing up, my parents were very strict and stayed on top of us constantly to ensure that we were not sneaking off to get into trouble. We didn't really have social lives outside of school and if we did end up having a sleep over at a friends house, my mom was the one who called several times to check on us. 

I have this funky little journal
and I love how crazy the
journal prompts are

The one thing that I ever held close to me in secrecy, was my diary. Not that I had any REAL secrets to keep, but I had my whimsical thoughts and I wasn't going to let them go. One night my mom very openly told me that she read though my journal. Then she kind of made fun of me about the lack of real events (secrets) and the abundance of silly thoughts and wishful tangents. Not only was I upset that she snuck behind my back to look for evidence, but she paraded it in front of me and we both knew there was nothing that I could say or do about it. That night as I opened my journal, I wrote "Fuck you Mom!!" in giant letters and on the next page I wrote all of the things I wish I could say to her... I really laid her out, sort of lol. Then I ripped the pages out, took them to school and kept it taped in the back of my locker. There was something intoxicating about being able to say exactly what you want to your parents without dealing with the consequences of actually cussing them out in real life. Like I said, fantastic therapy in the form of pen and paper.  That was the beginning of me writing journal entries in the pages of my homework notebooks, completely undetected from my mom, and later taking it to school to glue into my actual journal. I felt like it was a betrayal of trust on my moms part and an even bigger betrayal to my journal.

  

This is definitely my most meaningful
tattoo... 

When I was 20, I got 'Dear Diary' (tastefully and boldy) tattooed on my chest. I felt like it something that I earned to have permantently on my body and have never had a moment of regret about it. Currently, my sweet little Diary has turned into a full blown art journal and now I write in this blog. I feel the same way about my writing that a mother would about her child. The concept grows up so fast and since I have maintained a healthy relationship with my writing, I have never felt resentful about the things have written. Embarrassed, maybe. But never hateful. 

Since I started writing, I have thrown a few journals away, buried a few and in fits of absolute chaos, I have utterly destroyed a few in the form of ripping them, hurling them at walls and taping them shut to make it impossible to read. It's part of the creative process.

I have tinkered with the idea of writing childrens books about adventures with imaginiary friends and household pets, but I am barely disciplined with my blog so I think I might go to a few writing classes, just to tighten up my skills. For now, I'll try to perfect my neurotic blogging and continue to keep up with my pen and paper companion. 

Here are a few glimpses of my art journal.... enjoy!

I LOVE mixed media in my journals

This was a page I made for my grandmas bday last year...

This is a daily reminder for myself...

I might do something like this for the cover of
my current journal. It's a Smashbook. HIGHLY
reccommend getting one, they are so much fun
and are sturdy enought to handle any medium
you want to use.

Book Worming

There is a full moon tonight, and I can definitely feel it. 

Regardless of what I think, I am completely human. Damn it. 

It's one of those days where I spend entirely too much time trying to figure things out and it is slowly driving me mad. 

I am reading a book called The Happiness Project and it is honestly one of the best books to have in mind throughout my day. It's not a preachy "self-help" book and the pages are not full of endless bullshit about finding inner peace and forcing yourself to throw out your possessions and run away to India. 

It's real, it's is well written and it is completely practical. 

I like the way she writes because she speaks in a very natural voice. It's not boring or cutesy and throughout the book it feels as if she simply really laying it down. Its amazing so far and points out all of the aspects of life that we have grown so accustom to. We are so wrapped up in ourselves that we have made it impossible to look at life on a community level. We realize the things that we do, but have no clue what our partner/ family member/friend/neighbor is doing on a day to day basis. It's really helping with the concept of realize, relax, reset and improve. I often think about being a writer, so I really do appreciate a well-spoken author. This book is inspiring in more ways than one. I am CONSTANTLY trying to remind myself to blog in an equally informative and genuine entertaining manner. A more daunting task than you could imagine.

Check it out if you have a minute to spare...

  

Late Night Updates

Finally thought of a good use for all of those fortunes!!! Today was pretty awesome. Day 4 of my January 30-day challenges and I am actually sticking to them!!

1. Stretch for at least 10 minutes. It ends up being more like a 20 minute impromptu yoga session which is actually quite relaxing.

2. No biting my nails. This one is tricky but I have been catching myself picking at them and reminding myself to cut it out. Hardest one so far.

3. Eat breakfast. This one is going well... I am only letting myself drink coffee AFTER I eat so that helps a lot! Not to mention I happened to get BOGO Honey Nut Cheerios last week... I forgot how much I love them!!

4. Ease up on the bad language. Well, Im a server. Enough said.

I have procrastinated going to bed long enough....

30 Days

I remember watching this TED talk a few months ago about giving yourself 30-Day Challenges. 

It was inspirational and completely practical and I think it is a great way to implement all the little things I want to actively do in my life. The trick is to start small and sneak the idea of (dare I say) self discipline into your life. 

January 30-Day Challenge:

Stretch for 10 minutes while listening to new music.

Stop biting nails and use cuticle oil daily.

Eat Breakfast.
Stop cussing so damn much. 

Simple, easy, completely attainable

So I want to add on to each challenge at the end of the 30 days. I want to add a 20 minute yoga routine with a yoga pose goal. I want to add on a weekly eating plan of healthy and new meals. And I'm not really sure what I want to add to my nail/cussing-challenge. Honestly, I think that's by-far the hardest part of the January Challenges. If I can get past 30 days without going to town on my nails beds and saying "fuck" every 10 seconds, I'll be pretty proud of myself.

I urge you guys to make a small 30-Day Challenge and let me know how it goes!!!